Ok its been a long time since I wrote but something is bothering me that I need to be honest about.

I am in this really good relationship.  Something i have been looking for always in a guy, I have found and he is perfect and I am happy.  So why do I keep playing it like it a game?  Why do I not trust him when I have every reason to? I am really beginning to think its me who is the problem.  Every other guy i dated had their own problems that I could blame them on, but this one is different and it makes me realize what my own insecurities are.  I am beginning to think my past is finally catching up to me, and I am trying my best to not let these issues creep out and ruin a good thing.  But what can i do except plunge right in and be vulnerable, there is only one way to really love someone anyways

I am waiting for an ebay auction.  This is the first day I am doing this and let me tell you its exciting.  I am trying to get a phone because my phone somehow dissapeared into a black hole and i dont want to spend a lot of money for a new one

F! I lost.  All of a sudden there was 12 seconds left.  I am really bad at this so far I have lost two auctions.  But now it is time for me to go out.  Its going to be an interesting night because it could end up anywhere.  I am starting to drive myself crazy and I really need to sit back and relax.  I am putting too much hope into something that I can't really trust.  I say yeah its just fun, and I am having fun, but I know I feel more than that.  But I just gotta know if itsisnt right and it isn't right.  No sense in being a control freak and trying to change that.

Gotta think about ALL aspects of my life.  How easily I forget when things get in the way.

One of my favorite songs..

"Let us be lovers,
We’ll marry our fortunes together.
I've got some real estate
Here in my bag."
So we bought a pack of cigarettes,
And Mrs. Wagner's pies,
And walked off
To look for America.

"Kathy," I said,
As we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh,
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now,
It took me four days
To hitch-hike from Saginaw.
I've come to look for America."

Laughing on the bus,
Playing games with the faces,
She said the man in the gabardine suit
Was a spy.
I said, "Be careful,
His bow tie is really a camera."

"Toss me a cigarette,
I think there’s one in my raincoat."
"We smoked the last one
an hour ago."
So I looked at the scenery,
She read her magazine;
And the moon rose over an open field.

"Kathy, I'm lost", I said,
Thought I knew she was sleeping.
"I'm empty and aching and
I don't know why."
Counting the cars
On the New Jersey Turnpike.
They've all come
To look for America,
All come to look for America,
All come to look for America.

I am going away and volunteering for something I believe in

And I am going to get my masters in art education

Today I was therapist at work.  I had long conversations with three people on relationships.  Why they think I have good advice on relationships beats me.  But anyways, one notion came up in all three conversations that I really couldn't answer:

 Being commited involves a sense of sacrifice.  You sometimes have to see their family and go to the mall with them to buy shoes or whatever.  You have to call when you go out so the other person doesnt feel slighted or think your cheating on them.  You get in the mode of calling the person every night, but then it becomes standard and when your dont they are mad even if there is absolutely nothing to say.  And then their are deeper issues of when your really commited like where you will live, your religion, what you want out of life.  And your never going to find someone who has everything in common nor would that be beneficial, but how do you know if someone is really worth it?  I don't want to hear. oh I just know he/she is the one, because prolly about 99% dont know and many of them are struggling with caring about the person they are with but wanting someone who is going to the same path in life they are.